Why this season is hard for so many people
The weeks from Thanksgiving through New Year's come with a script: gatherings, gifts, warm family scenes and a mood to match. When your life does not fit the script, the gap can feel lonely. Cleveland Clinic describes holiday depression as a situational low mood tied to the season, and notes that it can feel like being on the outside looking in while everyone else seems to be having a good time.
Cleveland Clinic lists many common triggers. Most people will recognize at least one:
- Loneliness, especially if you live far from family, have little family or have lost someone
- Family conflict, old feuds and difficult relatives
- Financial strain from gifts, travel and hosting
- Painful memories, such as a past medical emergency or a death around the holidays
- Packed schedules and the pressure of hosting to high standards
- Social anxiety in the face of event after event
- Feeling different, for example when you do not celebrate the holiday everyone around you assumes you do
- Year-end deadlines at work or school stacked on top of everything else
Holiday blues, seasonal depression or something else
These are easy to mix up. NIMH notes that winter-pattern seasonal affective disorder (SAD) should not be confused with the holiday blues. SAD is a type of depression tied to changes in daylight, not the calendar. It usually starts in late fall or early winter and lifts in spring. Holiday blues, by contrast, are linked to the stresses of the season itself. Cleveland Clinic adds that holiday-related low mood may come and go in bursts as one event ends and another begins.
In Michigan the two can arrive together, since the holidays fall in the shortest days of the year. If your mood dips every winter and stays low into February, read Seasonal Depression and Michigan Winters. If the low mood started well before the season, or has lasted most days for weeks, it may be depression rather than seasonal stress, and it is worth talking with a doctor or therapist.
Before the season: make a plan
- Choose your events. Cleveland Clinic encourages setting boundaries, including declining some invitations. List the gatherings you want to attend, the ones you feel you must, and the ones you can skip.
- Set a spending limit and say it out loud to the people you exchange gifts with. Many families are relieved when someone suggests drawing names or a cap.
- Plan for the hard moments. Cleveland Clinic suggests thinking ahead about who will be at a gathering, who feels safe to you, and whether there is an ally you can tell about your anxiety beforehand.
- If you are grieving, decide how you want to honor the person, such as sharing memories or making their favorite dish. Anniversaries, Birthdays and Holidays After a Loss has more ideas.
- If you are already in therapy, ask in early November how scheduling will work around the holidays.
During gatherings
- Give yourself an exit. Cleveland Clinic notes that it is fine to attend and leave early, and to simply say so.
- Take short breaks: a walk around the block, a few minutes in the car, helping in the kitchen.
- Have a line ready for topics you will not discuss, such as "I'd rather not get into that today."
- Watch the alcohol. It can make tense family moments sharper and sleep worse; Alcohol, Cannabis and Mood explains why.
- Focus on one or two people you feel comfortable with rather than the whole room.
Taking care of yourself through the season
Cleveland Clinic recommends a few basics that are easy to drop in December: keep your sleep schedule, get outside in daylight even when it is cold and gray, move your body, and do one thing you enjoy even if you do not feel like it. NIMH lists similar steps for managing stress, including regular meals and limiting excess caffeine.
Two other suggestions from Cleveland Clinic are worth trying. Cutting back on social media can help, because what you see online is a highlight reel rather than the full picture of anyone's holiday. And volunteering, such as sorting donations or visiting residents at a care facility, can ease loneliness by connecting you with others.
If you are spending the holidays alone by choice or by circumstance, plan the day rather than letting it drift: a call scheduled with a friend, a meal you look forward to, a walk, a movie. Chosen family, meaning the friends who feel like family, can matter as much as relatives.
If you are the one hosting
Cleveland Clinic notes that hosting can bring heavy pressure to live up to high expectations, and that perfectionism adds to holiday stress. A few ways to lighten it:
- Decide in advance what good enough looks like, and write it down so you can hold yourself to it.
- Hand off whole tasks, such as dessert, drinks or cleanup, rather than accepting vague offers of help.
- Build a short break into the day for yourself, even fifteen minutes alone.
- Let go of one tradition that has become more burden than joy.
After the holidays
For some people the hardest stretch comes in January, when the events stop, the bills arrive and winter settles in. If your mood has not lifted a couple of weeks after the season ends, take that seriously rather than waiting for spring. Dr. Lehmann's depression therapy can help you look at what the season brings up for you, from family patterns to grief, as well as practical ways to cope.