Why anger is such a common reaction
Many people expect to feel scared or sad after a diagnosis. Fewer expect the anger, and it can be unsettling when it arrives: snapping at a spouse over dishes, fuming in a waiting room, feeling a flash of resentment toward a friend who is training for a marathon. The National Cancer Institute (NCI) says it is very normal to ask "Why me?" and to be angry at the cancer.
Cancer interrupts plans you were counting on, takes away control over your calendar and your body, and asks you to accept things that feel deeply unfair. The patient guide from the National Comprehensive Cancer Network (NCCN) lists anger alongside sadness and worry as part of the distress that comes with cancer, and notes that people may feel angry and out of control as they face new challenges. Anger, in other words, is an expected part of the experience, not a character flaw.
Where anger tends to land
Anger rarely stays pointed at the cancer itself. NCI notes that people may feel anger or resentment toward their health care providers, their healthy friends and their loved ones, and, for people of faith, even toward God. Common targets include:
- Your body, for "betraying" you or for not bouncing back the way it used to
- Your care team, over long waits, rushed visits, billing tangles or how news was delivered
- Healthy friends and relatives, who seem to carry on as if nothing has changed
- The people closest to you, often because they are the safest to be angry with
- Yourself, for missed screenings, habits, or not noticing symptoms sooner
- God or the universe, for allowing this to happen
Anger at yourself deserves a gentle word. NCI notes that scientists do not know why one person gets cancer and another does not, and that cancer can happen to anyone. Self-blame often has more to do with wanting an explanation than with what actually happened. Guilt and Cancer looks at those heavy thoughts more closely.
What anger may be protecting
NCI points out that anger often comes from feelings that are harder to show, such as fear, panic, frustration, anxiety and helplessness. Anger can feel stronger and more active than those emotions. It gives you something to push against when the alternative is feeling small or frightened.
That is useful to know because it changes the question. Instead of only "Why am I so angry?", you might also ask "What am I afraid of right now?" or "What feels out of my control today?" Sometimes the answer is concrete, like a scan next week or a bill you do not understand, and can be addressed directly. Sometimes it is grief for the life you expected, which needs room more than a solution.
Using anger without letting it run things
NCI advises that if you feel angry, you do not have to pretend everything is okay, and that keeping it bottled up is not healthy. It also notes that anger can be helpful in the short term, because it can motivate you to act, while constant anger or resentment does not feel good to you or the people around you. Some approaches people find useful:
- Say it out loud to someone who can hear it without taking it personally, such as a friend, a support group or a counselor.
- Write it down. NCI notes that people who express strong feelings like anger or sadness are often more able to let go of them, and writing works even if you would rather not talk.
- Move. A walk, stretching or any activity your medical team approves can discharge some of the physical tension that anger brings.
- Pause before difficult conversations, and come back to them when the heat has dropped.
- Repair when you need to. A simple "I was scared and I took it out on you" can go a long way at home.
- Turn some of the energy into action, such as writing down questions for your next appointment or asking for help with a specific problem.
When anger at your care team is about something real
Not all anger is displaced. Sometimes communication really has broken down, a question has gone unanswered, or news was delivered in a way that hurt. It is reasonable to raise that. NCI suggests stating your most important concern first, describing it briefly, asking as many questions as you need, bringing someone along to listen and take notes, and telling your doctor how you prefer to receive news. Speaking up clearly is a way of using anger well. How to Talk With Your Oncology Team About How You Feel has more on those conversations.
When anger may point to something more
Anger that comes and goes is part of coping. It may be worth looking more closely if it is constant, if it is damaging relationships you care about, or if it sits on top of a persistently low mood. The American Cancer Society (ACS) lists being more angry or irritable than usual among the changes that, alongside persistent low mood, can be a sign of depression. NCI suggests asking your doctor for a referral to a counselor if anger is hard to manage.
A psychologist can help you understand what the anger is carrying and find ways to express it that do not cost you the support you need. Dr. Lehmann is a licensed clinical psychologist in Franklin, Michigan, with an insight-oriented, integrative approach. Read about cancer-related emotional support and contact the practice to ask whether she can help with your situation. If anger is straining things at home, How Cancer Can Affect a Marriage or Partnership may help.