Consent does not expire in a relationship
Many people think of consent as something for dating or a first encounter. The National Domestic Violence Hotline describes healthy consent as an ongoing mutual agreement between partners, and notes that agreeing to something once does not mean agreeing to it for the rest of the relationship. Comfort can change from day to day, and needs and desires shift over the years.
Planned Parenthood makes the same point plainly: both people must agree every time, and couples who have been together a long time also need consent before sex. It adds that some people believe they cannot say no because they are in love or married, and that this is not true. No matter what kind of relationship you are in, forced sex is rape.
What consent looks like between partners
Planned Parenthood summarizes consent with the letters FRIES:
- Freely given: a choice made without pressure, manipulation, or the influence of drugs or alcohol
- Reversible: anyone can change their mind at any time, even partway through
- Informed: you can only agree to something when you have the full story
- Enthusiastic: doing what you want to do, not what you feel expected to do
- Specific: saying yes to one thing does not mean yes to everything
Planned Parenthood also notes that silence is not consent. The Hotline describes three ingredients that make consent work in practice: asking clear questions, respecting the answer, and trusting each other enough to be honest.
In long relationships, much of this happens without many words: a look, a familiar touch, a shared routine. That can be fine when both people feel free to say no and know it will be respected. The Hotline cautions that if a partner no longer asks whether you are comfortable, it may be a sign that things are becoming unhealthy.
Boundaries and differences in desire
Every couple has times when one partner wants sex and the other does not. Saying no is a boundary, not an attack on the relationship. The partner who hears it is allowed to feel disappointed; what matters is how that disappointment is handled. Handling Sexual Rejection Without Building Resentment looks at that side.
It often helps to talk about boundaries outside the bedroom, when nothing is being asked of anyone: what each of you enjoys, what is off the table, and how you will check in when you are not sure. Boundaries can change, and revisiting them is part of a healthy relationship, not a sign of trouble.
Boundaries are not only about saying no. They also include saying what you would like, how you like to be approached, and what helps you feel relaxed enough to be close. Many people find it easier to say a real yes when they know a no will be accepted without a fight.
When pressure becomes coercion
The Office on Women's Health defines sexual coercion as unwanted sexual activity that happens after being pressured in nonphysical ways, such as being worn down by repeated requests, being lied to, or being threatened with a breakup or rumors. The Hotline describes it as a continuum that runs from persuasion to force, and that can be verbal and emotional, using pressure, guilt or shame. Examples it gives of a partner's behavior include:
- Making you feel you owe them sex because you are in a relationship or have had sex before
- Using the relationship as leverage, for example, "If I don't get sex from you, I'll get it somewhere else"
- Reacting with anger, sadness or resentment when you say no
- Continuing to pressure you after you have said no
- Giving you alcohol or drugs to "loosen up"
- Making you afraid of what will happen if you refuse
The Hotline is clear that being made to feel obligated is itself coercion, and that dating, being in a relationship or being married never means you owe a partner intimacy of any kind.
Reproductive coercion
The Hotline defines reproductive coercion as threats or acts of violence against a partner's reproductive health or decision-making. Examples it and Planned Parenthood describe include refusing to use a condom or other birth control, removing a condom during sex without agreement, hiding or throwing out birth control, lying about using it, and pressuring a partner to become pregnant, end a pregnancy or continue one. Planned Parenthood notes that everyone should be able to decide if and when to get pregnant or have children, without pressure or manipulation from a partner. Reproductive coercion can also be emotional, through constant guilt or pressure about having children. The Hotline notes that pregnancy is a particularly dangerous time in an abusive relationship.
If something here sounds familiar
The Office on Women's Health stresses that sexual coercion is not your fault. If any of this describes your relationship and you feel unsafe, a domestic violence advocate can help you think through your options and your safety, including whether joint sessions with a partner would be safe. The numbers are in the box below.
A psychologist can also help, whether you are sorting out confusing experiences, living with the effects of past coercion, or trying to understand why hearing no feels so hard. Dr. Lehmann's work on intimacy and sexual concerns and trauma therapy can include these questions, and How Past Sexual Trauma Can Affect Intimacy may be useful too. Ask Dr. Lehmann which format fits your situation when you call.