How dry spells happen
Few couples decide to stop having sex. More often, it fades. A new baby, an illness, a demanding job, caring for a parent, a rough patch in the relationship, or a run of turned-down advances can each push sex down the list. After a while, the gap itself becomes the obstacle. Starting again can feel like a big, loaded event, so neither person makes the first move.
This is more common than many people assume. The ISSM notes that desire tends to fluctuate over a lifetime and that periods of low desire are not unusual. It also notes that life circumstances, such as caring for a newborn or recovering from a serious illness, can lead to a pause in sexual activity, and that this is generally no cause for concern in itself. The goal is not to explain away a dry spell, but to recognize that coming back from one is something many couples do.
Start by understanding the pause
Before trying to fix anything, it can help to look at what led here. The ISSM lists stress, anxiety and depression among the leading causes of low desire, along with relationship issues such as communication problems, unresolved conflict or a lack of emotional intimacy, hormonal changes, and some medications. Often several of these combine.
- Did the dry spell start around a particular event or change?
- Is there hurt or anger that has never been talked through?
- Has anything physical changed for either of you, such as pain, a health condition or a new medication?
- Has sex started to feel like a source of pressure, failure or conflict?
Physical questions belong with a physician, gynecologist or urologist. The National Institute on Aging encourages people to tell their health care provider about sexual problems, noting that these are things a doctor needs to hear about to treat you well. The Sexless Relationship looks more closely at how couples drift into long gaps.
Talk about it before you try to change it
A first conversation does not have to solve anything. It can simply acknowledge that you both miss something, or that one of you does, and that you would like to find a way back. Avoid blame and history lessons. "I miss us" is easier to hear than "We haven't had sex since March." How to Talk With Your Partner About Sex has more on wording and timing.
Rebuild closeness in layers
Many couples find it easier to rebuild from the outside in: first everyday warmth, then physical affection, then sexual touch, at a pace both people are comfortable with.
- Time together that is not about logistics: a walk, a meal without phones, a shared hobby.
- Everyday affection: greetings, hand-holding, sitting close, hugs that are not a prelude to anything.
- Physical touch with no goal: massage, cuddling, lying together.
- Sexual touch when both people want it, with permission to stop at any point.
The ISSM suggests that couples dealing with differences in desire explore other forms of intimacy, such as massage or cuddling, and build their emotional connection through time together, affection and support. The National Institute on Aging describes intimacy as a feeling of closeness and connectedness that can occur with or without a physical component. Rebuilding that connection first often makes the physical part feel less like a test.
Lowering the pressure
After a long gap, it is easy to put enormous weight on the first time back. Performance worries tend to grow under that weight. The ISSM suggests staying in the moment, removing distractions, and focusing on sensations rather than on how well things are working. Some couples agree in advance that a particular evening will not include sex, which can make touch feel safer to enjoy.
It can also help to know that desire does not always come first. The ISSM describes responsive desire, which arises after closeness or sexual activity begins rather than before. For some people, waiting to feel spontaneously "in the mood" after a long break means waiting a very long time. At the same time, the ISSM stresses that no one should feel pressured to have sex when they do not want to. Willingness to see what happens is different from obligation.
Making room for it
Dry spells often persist simply because nothing in daily life makes space for closeness. Evenings fill with chores, screens and exhaustion. Some couples protect a regular block of unhurried time together, with no expectation of sex, so that intimacy has somewhere to grow. The ISSM mentions scheduling time for sex as one possible compromise for couples with different levels of desire, while emphasizing that every encounter must stay consensual. Does Scheduling Sex Actually Help? weighs the pros and cons.
Other couples, especially when anxiety is a big part of the gap, look into structured approaches. The ISSM describes sensate focus as a series of touch exercises, widely used in sex therapy, that begin with gentle, non-sexual touch and shift attention from performance to sensation. It is usually guided by a trained sex therapist.
Expect some awkwardness
The first attempts may feel clumsy, self-conscious or emotional. Bodies may have changed. One partner may feel nervous, or unexpectedly sad about the time lost. Humor and patience help. So does talking afterward: what felt good, what felt like too much, what you would like to try next time. A single disappointing evening is not a verdict on the relationship.
When to get help
If the dry spell is tied to old hurts, anxiety, low mood, or a pattern of conflict that keeps returning, talking with a therapist can help. Dr. Lehmann, a licensed clinical psychologist in Franklin, Michigan, offers therapy for intimacy and sexual concerns. These concerns can be part of individual therapy or couples therapy; ask Dr. Lehmann which format fits your situation when you call.